It's An Illusion

Someone told me once that life is all hills and valleys. You go up, and you come down. You go up, and you come down. Except with me, with my mental illness, I go way up, and then come way down.

Voices have been bad lately. I won't even repeat what they say, because it's too horrible. I'd be afraid to say it out loud. I told my mom and Heather that I was hearing things, but I would never tell them exactly what the voices say. Sometimes I hear voices talking to each other. And then they go away. But they always come back. Sometimes they freak me out. Sometimes I just listen. Sometimes I'll hear something that's real, like someone over an intercom at a store, and I have to ask Heather if she's hearing the same thing. That happened at Walmart the other day.

All in all, my life is good. Jehovah has given me what I need. He's never abandoned me. But I feel so unworthy. Those voices say bad things about him, things I would never want to hear or ever want to think about. It makes me feel like I'm not worth anything. I love Jehovah and I know that he can read my heart, but sometimes I feel like my heart is tainted and that I'm just evil. I really do. I really feel sometimes that I'm just an evil person. My emotions are so messed up and my mind is torn, my soul is broken, and my heart is broken too. It's exhausting fighting everything every single day. I wish I could just sleep or turn my brain off.

Heather is the best thing that has ever happened to me. But it's like I'm poison. Everyone I love, everyone I try to help, something bad always happens to them, and somehow, even if it's only indirectly, I'm responsible. My spirit is poisoned, and everyone I touch gets tainted.
That's what I get for being evil.

The Shadow

I've had to learn the hard way throughout the years that relying on Jehovah is the only real way to live life. I think I've been fooling myself. I've been relying on myself, on people, on this world. And it's true that we need help from those things, but the only sure help we can ever count on in any given situation is Jehovah's strength through his holy spirit.

What good does worrying do? I mean, even Jesus said more than once that we should never be anxious, but to throw all our burdens upon Jehovah because he cares for us. Aren't I disobeying that command if I continue to worry about things over which I have little or absolutely no control over? I think so. Jehovah has been good to me. He's taught me to trust in him and to have faith in him. There have already been so many times in my life when I thought I should go one way but Jehovah has directed me another way; and I was anxious and depressed and worried, but then as time went on, I found out that Jehovah's way was the best way after all, and that going my way might have even proved to be disasterous. So even now I must rely on him to direct my step; and I'm happy to do it because I certainly can't direct my own step.

I accidently hurt Heather today. I went to kiss her neck, but somehow I ended up kissing her too hard because of the way her head was bent. She cried. I hate to see her cry. So that depressed me. She's OK now, but it still bothers me. I need to stop being so rough. I've grown up to be that way. But I need to be more gentle.

But that shadow is still following me.

The Shadow

(1st verse)
From dusk till dawn
I'm still fighting the spawn
Of the reigning evil in my soul
My life is ending
But I still go on pretending
That my heart isn't cold

(break)
The light casts the net
On the dark silhouette
And I can't hide
Because the rage is building inside

(Chorus)
Into the dungeon of darkness I dropped
All my rage cannot be stopped
There's a painful memory
As my heart grows colder
I look over my shoulder
And this shadow is following me

(2nd verse)
All the love in the world dies
As the hate in their hearts rise
And I see all the gore
The pain will swarm
As my mind is torn
And I can't take anymore

(Chorus)
Into the dungeon of darkness I dropped
All my rage cannot be stopped
There's a painful memory
As my heart grows colder
I look over my shoulder
And this shadow is following me

(3rd verse)
I feel the slow ache
As my heart starts to break
And I know I won't be free
I'm heading for a fall
Because I've lost it all
But this shadow is still following me

(break)
The light casts the net
On the dark silhouette
And I can't hide
Because the rage is building inside

(Chorus X2)
Into the dungeon of darkness I dropped
All my rage cannot be stopped
There's a painful memory
As my heart grows colder
I look over my shoulder
And this shadow is following me

Reverse

I've been struggling, stumbling along. But I haven't given up. Things have been going well for the most part. But that always scares me, because I'm waiting for the next bad thing to happen. Something is wrong with the brakes on the car, so I'll have to get that looked at Monday. That's just more money. As soon as we save a little bit of money, something always breaks. But that's just life. It could be alot worse. I've been talking to different people, and it's just horrifying what some people are going through. So I shouldn't complain.

Sometimes Heather asks me if I'm happy. I may have a mental illness, but in my own way, I am happy. I find enjoyment in life. Alot of enjoyment. It's just wonderful to know Jehovah and to know that he loves me and cares for me as a person. It's wonderful to be with my wife. And it's wonderful to have my family and friends. Life is a beautiful gift. But this isn't even the real life. We're not really living. It's only in the new system that things will get better, and then we can live life like it was meant to be lived. That's one of the things that keep me going in this old crazy world.

My mom got back from Chicago last Friday. She really seems like she feels better. She talked to my dad today and told him how I feel about him. But I wish he hadn't asked, and I wish she hadn't told him, because I don't want him to call. I don't want to talk to him. I just want him to leave me alone. But I don't think he'll call. He doesn't have anything to say to me, just like I don't have anything to say to him. So we'll just leave it at that for now.

My anxiety level is always so high. I always have this apprehensive expectation about things. And I'm always worried about the worst thing that could happen. I seem to always look at things in black and white, as 100 percent or 0. My thinking is so screwed up. My emotions are so screwed up. I feel too much. I want to do more in Jehovah's service, but I just can't seem to get going. I'll do good for a while, but then I fall down. And then I'll do good for a month, and then fall down again. It's been like that for years. Why can't I find a level and stay on it? I'm tired of this.

It's like everything is in reverse.

Turmoil

For the past week, I've found myself in a constant circle of pain, worries, and emotional turmoil. Today was bad. I couldn't even function today. My first thought today was, "why did I have to wake up." I'm worried about Heather. She wasn't feeling well today. Whenever she's not feeling well, it worries me.

So today has been hell on earth. It seemed that the minutes crawled along, as the pain and endless thoughts crawled along, not giving me any time to breathe. I wish I could turn my brain off. I wish we had that ability. Just some button where I could press it and have just a few moments of peace. I'm hurting so bad, I can barely type this. I'm trying my hardest to keep it together. I do that because I love my wife so much. I don't want to hurt her anymore than I have already. She's a beautiful girl.

Then I feel guilty because I feel like I'm not trusting in Jehovah, because if I was, I wouldn't be like this. And I found that, even though I'm worrying about things I need, they aren't as important as trusting in Jehovah. I'm worried about tangible, material things. It is true that we need certain material things in this world, but my life won't result from those things. They aren't all important. Leaning on Jehovah and finding happiness and security in him is what really matters. Why do I think that I can find security in material things? I look at New Orleans and I see how an entire city was completely blown away, and it makes me wonder why I worry so much.

There are so many things that can go wrong. There are so many things hanging in the balance. There are so many things hanging by a thread. So why should I worry about them? The only thing to truly be concerned about is trusting in Jehovah for security, because you can't find any security in this world.

So why do I still worry?

The Demons

The assembly was just wonderful this last weekend. But I was rushing to get ready on both days, and so I didn't take my meds. I was dying while I was there. I talked to Jason Edwards both days. He asked, so I told him. I told him that I can fake the smile and laugh really well. But inside, I'm screaming. Inside, I'm dying. I sat in that chair, taking notes, looking up the scriptures, but I wanted to take the pen in my hand and jab myself in the hand. But I made it through, and it was just great. So many good points. So much encouragement. I was greatly strengthened by everything that I heard. Now comes the hard part - putting it all into practice. But I'm determined to do so.

I realize that being with Jehovah's people is one of the most wonderful gifts that he's given us. I hung out at Damiens Thursday night. I haven't hung out with anyone in a long time. It was great, and when I left, I asked myself why I don't do it more often. And then being around everyone at the assembly, seeing old faces, was encouraging. I just wish my dad could be there.

I'm just trying to keep my head above water, and help everyone else to do the same. I feel like, after last month's district convention and this month's circuit assembly, I've truly been enlightened. I need to be at every meeting, if only for my sanity. I made it there last night. And I need to get out in service to help others who are suffering.

This world is going down. You can't find security in anything in this world except Jehovah. I've learned that the hard way. I always leaned on my dad for support and now he's gone. Then I get married and Heather almost dies. The two people I depend on the most were gone. It made me realize that I can't even depend on them. I can only depend on Jehovah. He's the only sure thing. He's the only definite thing.

I just have to keep sticking to him.

The Hole in my Soul

So I found out that I may not be able to get some of my meds, or maybe even all of them, until January. Medicaid is changing their policy about covering certain medications. So I don't know what I'm going to do. If I can't get my meds, I'm totally screwed. I tried not taking my Zyprexa for a while during a period of about 2 weeks. I almost went insane. I couldn't sleep. My head felt like it would implode. I felt extremely angry. All withdrawal symptoms, coming off Zyprexa. So I started taking it again. I still don't feel well, but I'm better. It's just that I can't really function. I barely have the strength to exist from day to day. Every morning that I wake up, I say to myself, "why did I have to wake up," because as soon as my eyes open, I'm in pain.

Heather and Jehovah are the only things keeping me from going off the deep end. We went to Dawn and Jerry's on Saturday, and we watched Meet the Fockers. I laughed, but inside I was screaming. I was hurting so bad. I wanted to get a bottle of Diesel, grab some razor blades, come home and drink until I couldn't drink anymore, and cut until I couldn't cut anymore. I just wanted to lose myself in oblivion. But then I snap back to reality and I hold myself back. I prayed intensely. I told Heather what I was feeling and what I was thinking of doing. It worries her, but she says that she'd rather I told her. I just feel so bad telling her, because I feel like I'm scaring her. I'd rather keep it to myself, but I'm afraid to keep it to myself, because left on my own, I know I'll fall.

It just feels like a thin thread is keeping me from self destructing again. It could so easily break. I want to be happy. Sometimes I wonder why I had to be mentally ill. I look at myself in the mirror and I don't look sick. But inside my soul, I'm just broken. My soul is broken. My heart is broken. And my spirit is broken. I tell Heather that all the time. I'm damaged goods. I have my moments of happiness, when I don't feel depressed, like yesterday. We went out to eat with Dawn, Jerry, Marlene, Lou, Aaron, and Jackie, and it was great. We went to Red Lobster, and I ate about as much shrimp as I could. Then we watched Tommy Boy and I laughed. I wasn't hurting that bad. I had a good time. And I gave my talk last week on the 6th. It went well. I felt comfortable on the stage. I enjoyed giving it. I felt good after that, just like I felt good after our district convention. But then I always fall back down. Always. I can't maintain the momentum. We have our two day assembly next weekend and I know I'll feel uplifted and happy, but then I know that it will fade and I'll be depressed and in pain once again.

I need to get out more.

Twisted

(1st verse)
I feel you everywhere
Like poison in the air
Always looking for an angle
In some way my life you strangle
Bombarded like a hailstorm of rain
Wiping the bloodstains
As it falls through the cracks
While you watch what my heart lacks

(chorus)
You got under my skin
You are the dragon
Swinging your wings
As the scorpion stings
Finding the flaws
Gripped in your claws
Breathing your flame
Caught in your twisted game

(2nd verse)
You pry your way into my heart
Because you know it's weak
You come to tempt me
And it's my soul you seek
You want me to turn away
And then it all ends in disaster
The pain brings you pleasure
And I can hear your laughter

(chorus)
You got under my skin
You are the dragon
Swinging your wings
As the scorpion stings
Finding the flaws
Gripped in your claws
Breathing your flame
Caught in your twisted game

(3rd verse)
I know you wreak havoc
If I fall now that's tragic
Your flame I can't extinguish
But where I stand I won't relinquish
I see the light, but I almost missed it
Caught in your game so cruel and twisted
Rising to the next level
Fighting demons and facing devils

(chorus)
You got under my skin
You are the dragon
Swinging your wings
As the scorpion stings
Finding the flaws
Gripped in your claws
Breathing your flame
Caught in your twisted game